12-16-2009

Tiger– Don’t expect any sympathy for Mr. Woods in this quarter. I’m no less curious than anyone else as to how this public figure, whose entire persona was based on a reputation of steely discipline and an iron will, succumbed so easily to what essentially are the ‘wet dreams’ of sixteen-year-olds. Yes, any heterosexual male over the age of 14 understands perfectly well the allure of beautiful, available women. It’s a biological imperative: gorgeous women are intoxicating. At least Odysseus, passing the island of Circe where stunning Sirens, the very first ‘VIP hostesses’, resided, and who were crying out for him, had the foresight to tie himself to a mast as he sailed by. Not Tiger Woods – he couldn’t even drive by a Perkins Pancake House 10 minutes from his home in Florida without hitting on an eight-dollar-an-hour waitress. Mr. Gripes has no sympathy for fools. One other thing about Mr. Woods that leaves Mr. Gripes cold: he’s cheap. It’s customary for golf professionals after a tournament to tip the clubhouse boys who assisted them during the event – polishing shoes, taking care of the bags, retrieving drinks, laundry, the menial jobs. Archrival Phil Michelson, after one such four-day tournament this year, gave to the three kids helping out $500 apiece. Mr. Woods? He didn’t tip any of them one nickel. Nada. He’s a billionaire. Tiger, you’re a chump.

Invictus – Mr. Gripes will never plunk down his ten bucks to see this film, out last Friday. At his advanced age, Mr. Gripes has finally mastered a technique of sniffing out bad movies before he’s even read any reviews. And, Invictus, I know in my bones, is a movie that I must avoid. Let me enumerate my reasons:       1. Clint Eastwood [director]: Mr. Eastwood specializes these days in movies that resemble three-layer cakes – hokum, on top of cliché, on top of cornball. His films are as nuanced as bulldozers, and as inert as a scrod filet on ice…2. Morgan Freeman: Mr. Freeman hasn’t turned down a movie role in 20 years; he’s in everything – and, alas, once you get pass that great voice, he’s dull, dull, dull. Plus, exacerbating his somnolent mien, he’s portraying Nelson Mandela, a monumental, historic figure certainly, but not exactly Mr. Excitement. 3. Matt Damon: Mr. Damon, who consorts with pretty-boy actors and gorgeous starlets out there in sun-splashed Malibu, somehow nabbed the role of captain of a South African national rugby team. Who’s kidding whom? Rugby in South Africa is top-notch, and from the perspective of a former player, ferociously and viciously competitive. I’m sorry, Matt, but tofu salad and spicy tuna rolls are not normally present at the training table. One muscular forearm to Mr. Damon’s $40,000 worth of bridgework, and he’d shatter into a thousand pieces, like expensive crystal….4. Finally, the plot: South Africa, riven by black and white distrust, becomes united as all its citizens, whatever their skin color, root as one for its rugby team’s victory in a championship match. That’s Mr. Eastwood alright: Let’s all get the Kleenex out, and shed copious tears over warmed-over clichés.  Don’t believe it for a second: the motif of a country coming together over a sports event to create a permanent harmony is maudlin Hollywood horse crap.

AK-47 – The weapon of choice for terrorists around the globe is the AK-47, a light, versatile sub-machine gun originally manufactured in Russia, but now prevalent in every third-world, distressed country.

In Africa, one AK-47 costs $30.00. That’s all.

That’s why Africa arguably finds itself in a hopeless, doomed condition. The Congo, Somalia, Sudan and many other countries have no functioning governments – they’re essentially rogue states. Sure, sham ‘governments’ exist, but there’re actually no legitimate legal systems, no functioning heads of states, no tax systems, and no national transportation systems. An enterprising young criminal, to fund an armed militia of, say, 50 men, needs only $1,500 to create his own army. In the Congo, the one country I know something about, there are thousands of these militias, armed with AK-47’s, who set up road blocks to extract ‘tolls’ from trucks and cars, and freely maraud the villages nearby, stealing, raping, and killing. The AK-47 is the curse of Africa. Worse, there’s apparently no strong countervailing force capable of disarming the militias, most of which are composed of young teenage boys.  The United States, which used to be the only country that really gave a damn about Africa, got severely burned by an adventure in Somalia [Remember ‘Blackhawk Down’?], and, correctly I think, withdrew from any additional humanitarian initiatives. Nothing’s going to get better over there for a long, long time.

Unfortunately, that leaves just one country heavily involved in the continent at the moment: China. They don’t give a damn, either, about anyone’s welfare, but they do have the money and intent to buy up the huge precious-metal assets essential to maintain the massive industrial engines of major powers. China has figured out it does not need to build up a huge military presence. By purchasing vast natural resources all over the world, especially in Africa, they’ll be able one day to strangle American industry by charging exorbitant prices, or even withholding vital metals, i.e., titanium, platinum, chromium, from us. They’ll have cornered the market. America and the West better wake up. Mr. Gripes, though, is not optimistic. Instead of dealing with problems threatening the country’s survival, we’re bogged down with abortion rights, same sex marriage and spurious Kenyan birth certificates. Just a hunch, but I’ll wager that the Roman Empire, obsessively preoccupied with its internal petty, irrelevant disputes, expired in just such a fashion.

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Jim Israel                                                                                                                             December 16, 2009