By Mister Gripes [James Israel]                    www.  mistergripes.com April 28, 2010

Ms. Palin, Thank God…For enthusiasts like Mr. Gripes, political theatre in this country all too frequently devolves into old, desiccated, sclerotic white guys – Harry Reid, Mitch McConnell, Orin Hatch come immediately to mind – mouthing party lines and boring everyone. Sarah Palin, just like the Lone Ranger, has come to the rescue. She continues to be an absolute delight. A month ago, I happened to come across on FOX an interview Glenn Beck, another Wonder of the Western World, conducted with the lovely Ms. Palin.

I gather this was to be her coming-out party on the station, with a new Sarah Palin displaying, finally, a nuanced and intricate mastery of national governance. I’m afraid it didn’t go as planned.

Mr. Beck starts out with a lollypop question: ‘Who’s your favorite Founding Father?” The ex-governor, taken aback, pauses, freezes, and finally answers, “All of them.” Translation: ‘What the bleep is a founding father? Larry King? The sperm-donor for Octomom? Roger Ailes?  I haven’t a clue. Who the hell is Glenn Beck, anyway?  You sure Katie Couric didn’t supply that question?’ Ms. Palin was stumped.

Mr. Beck, himself at sea now, tosses a follow-up lollypop at Ms. Palin: “What about George Washington?” Ms. Palin starts talking about Mr. Washington’s retirement to Mount Vernon after independence was achieved, with a hope that his public service was over for good. Later, summoned away from his beloved farm and anointed as the country’s first citizen-politician, he reluctantly agreed to be the country’s first President.  Mr. Beck then muses aloud, “Yes, he was a citizen-politician, leaving the farm and taking on the burdens of the Presidency. That’s a good description of you, isn’t it?” Ms. Palin, now broadly smiling and in the full throes of false modesty, concurs. Right then, Mr. Gripes sat up straight, and exclaimed, “What!!” Sarah Palin was never a citizen-politician; in fact, she was the opposite, a politician-citizen. After all, she was already a state governor who gave up public service, becoming a private citizen, so she could get her hands on millions of dollars just waiting for her. As Gary Cooper would say, ‘She up and quit.’ Sarah, don’t bother laying that ‘I’m so humble’ attitude on Mr. Gripes. It won’t work. But, maybe you can’t blame her – George would never have been President if there was a talk show opportunity hanging out there for him on CNN.

The Spat — Do you recall, dear readers, the dispute over subscriber fees that ABC Television and Cablevision waged for a few months that culminated in Cablevision suspending its telecast of the Academy Awards for a short time? Was there any protest from citizens during and after this clash between mighty cartel companies? Not a whisper. We as consumers just sat there and took a couple of left hooks to the solar plexus. Think about that. Once, not long ago, Americans would have been outraged that they had become pawns in the titanic battles between monopolies. We’ve become inured to taking blows like this one; we feel powerless. And we are, simply because our elected officials do not represent our interests any longer. The vast, all-powerful monopolies control, through bribes disguised as campaign contributions, the levers of our government. Our representatives and senators are charlatans. The politicians couldn’t be happier that there’s such an apathetic, listless voting public – that sentiment guarantees their perpetual re-elections.

Haiti: $$ Down the Drain? – A conference a few weeks ago in Port-au-Prince estimated that that it’ll take $11.5 billion in funds to rebuild the Haitian infrastructure – the roads, the schools, the electrical grid, the sewage system, etc. And, the United States promised an aid package of $1.3 billion, and that’s only for starters.

Mr. Gripes immediately raises his hand, and articulates very loudly just two syllables: No mas. On this issue, I’m right there with the wild and wooly guys in the Tea Party. Since the end of World War II, it’s always the United States that’s shelled out vast, unaccounted-for sums in foreign aid. I plea, “America’s days of being the deaf-and-dumb sugar daddy are over.” Just imagine how many trillions we’ve given to all those tin-horn dictators. The autocrats learned how to play the game: just say the words ‘Russia,’ ‘Communist’ or, these days, ‘Bin Laden’ and the dollars rain down like the monsoons in Malaysia. And, lest it’s forgotten, we’re broke. It’s no t even our money that we’d be doling out now; all we’ll be doing is borrowing more money, accruing more interest, and ratcheting up our already monstrous debt to China.

Haiti? Yikes. In a world in which the vast majority of countries operate solely through bribery and corruption, Haiti may win the gold medal for thievery.  Here’s one beautiful example of Haitian criminality: once upon a time, Haiti had a national railroad system. Now? Not a trace. Years ago, ‘Papa Doc’ Duvalier, the most vicious, murderous plunderer of all the Haitian dictators, decided to obliterate the entire rail network. Every piece – tracks, locomotives, passenger cars, depots – was melted down and sold for scrap. That money then was hijacked by Duvalier, made into gold bars, and squirreled away in banks abroad. Haiti was and is a full-blooded kleptocracy, i.e., a government operated by robbers.

Mr. Gripes is not totally hardened. I understand food, medicine, and temporary shelters must be delivered to that country to forestall famine and illness. The charities certainly are up to that task, and I commend them for their humane efforts. In this one situation, if 30% of the charity-aid monies disappear into the Haitian ethers, as much as it bugs the hell out of Mr. Gripes, that’s the price we have to pay to keep people alive.

But, regarding the permanent reconstruction efforts, America must take responsibility for preventing the Haitian political caste from getting their larcenous hands on our money. Haiti has been, and continues to be, a failed state. [Admit that obvious fact, please, Bill Clinton.] Simply put, Haitian corruption is astounding in its breath. America just can’t shovel billions of dollars down there any longer.

So, here’s my basic plan for rebuilding Haiti: an international agency ought to be created – with huge input from donor countries such as the United States, China, France, Britain, i.e., the big powers. Put in place in Port-au-Prince an organization that will coordinate every facet of the rebuilding from the streets up. Haitian politicians – all of them — cannot be anywhere near the cash or in any leadership position, simple as that. Let’s put, say, the Army Corps of Engineers in charge of distributing the money, and organizing a systematic, timely ‘blueprint’ for the reconstruction of Haiti.

There’ll be incredible resistance to a plan like this, of course – screams from the politicians about respecting ‘Haitian sovereignty’ and the return of ‘Yankee imperialism’. The loudest  protesters will surely be the Haitian political class, who have ripped off, beaten, murdered, macheted and imprisoned citizens for 200 years; they will scream the Haitian ‘people’ must have a say in earthquake-aid distribution.

Mr. Gripes has a plan for the opposition as well: let’s have a honest [That’ll never happen, of course] plebiscite. Vote for one of two options: A. the Haitian government will be in charge of the aid, and apportion the money as it deems fit, versus, B. the United States will have the sole responsibility of distributing the money as it deems fit. Guess who’ll win? Option B’, by about 93% to 7%. Enough of that ‘imperialism’ garbage.

NCAA: The Fix Is In – Yeah, I know, I know. Butler, which plays in a mid-level basketball conference, gets to the finals of the 2010 NCAA Basketball tournament. And all you basketball cognoscenti out there know what that means: every hack, burnt-out sportswriter alive will bring up the movie ‘Hoosiers’ in their columns. God help us all. ‘Hoosiers’, in spite of all the reverential and extravagant praises slathered upon it by fans and media, is arguably the most cliché-ridden film ever made.

Let’s count the ways: A basketball coach, summarily fired from an authentic basketball power for committing an egregious infraction, is blackballed, and can’t find a job anywhere except in some Palookaville deep in the sticks [Cliché #1]; there he befriends a kind, attractive woman, who knows Coach has a heart of gold under a steely, gruff exterior [Cliché #2]; Coach throws off the team his immature, disobedient star, only to let him return later after he’s seen the errors of his ways [Cliché #3}; Star player becomes hero as team, from the lowest division, keeps beating much bigger schools in the state tournament [Cliché #4 and #5]; team comes together as one and reaches finals, although a prohibitive underdog [Cliché #6]. Team wins final game and state tournament on a last-second shot by now-rehabilitated star [Cliché #7]. More clichés abound, but I know I’m getting real tedious.

Real life doesn’t resemble ‘Hoosiers’ one bit, I’m afraid, although sanctimonious sportswriters, who absolutely know better, often assert that sentiment. It’s nothing but fairy-tale mythology, like Zeus living on top of a big mountain in Greece. Mr. Gripes has a better chance of becoming a Tibetan goat-herder one day than a lower-seeded team has of winning the NCAA tournament.

The big shots always win. The tournament is, in a sense, rigged. No, money is not given players to shave points, thereby affecting point spreads. It’s a little more complicated than that: the high-school player of NBA-caliber, can’t-miss talent always ends up at the 15 or so powerhouse teams that dominate the sport year-in, year-out. Why does that happen 100% of the time? Let’s just say there’re material ‘inducements’, usually well concealed [example: a Mercedes ‘loaned’ to an ‘uncle’ of a star], as well as payoffs to ‘street agents’ who then guide their star charges to matriculate at particular big-time schools. Come on, readers, doesn’t the not-so-felicitous term ‘street agent’ by itself tell you all you need to know about the extent of the sewage in college basketball? The Cornells and Princetons of this world, which run honest programs placing academics over athletics, will never win this tournament in 500 years.